21 April 2005

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Just a random shot. Everywhere i turn seem beautiful when me myself feeling beautiful too on such a fine day.

20 April 2005

I'm still 22 but not for long

19 April 2005

I am indeed very tired. What i only want to do is to lay back and see the world pass by me.

18 April 2005

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How foreboding the sky looked. It was even barely 12 pm in the noon. I have took a half day leave so i can accompany that idiot which he having his rest day at home. It happen to be our 7th month, but it's meaningless now.

It was unfortunate that i have choosen a bad time to set off for his house. It was raining feriously and i was stuck in a cross road which every direction has it chance of getting splashed by the moving vehicles. I choose the shortest one. the first few cars was very thoughtful to slow down but not the last 2! these two car zoom by and i end up with dirty water splashed onto my lower half of body. Arg...

Waited downstair for like an hour with the shilin chicken and honey ice tea and meanwhile sewing up the shirt that i bought for him. we went to watch Sahara movie. All's turning well. I thought maybe there's a chance. But just wait and see.

16 April 2005

After a half day work or rather slacking in the office, me and MS C went for make up course at shiseido.

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The headquarter was located just right above the Califonia Fitness @ orchard. It's first time that i enter such a beauty palor. Just like what you would see in the movie. Nice white walls along the corridor that shows professional display of the products, beautiful people and warm welcome.

Anyway we have our interesting lesson starting with aromatherapy while learning to cleanse and care for our facial skin. And it the first time that i see how many stubby eyelash turn into a fan of upturned curtain. Swoon. Was raining outside heavily and we girls are bothered with how to protect our Mascara!

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The gift is what we both are aiming for. Keke!

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After the course, instead of going for ktv cos we four (JC clique) are not only late but it also raining. So we just waited until the rain drizzled. Meanwhile I'm having a heated argument with that idiot over the phone. I really kept a distant from my friends so they won';t overhear what been going on. Anyway, it suppose to be a birthday celebreation for me as well as Ms B. Don't wanna spoilt mood. Neither did i tell them anything about it. Eventually we have our dinner at Rhin @ cineleisure. And for the first time i really have my hearty laughter while chitchatting with my friends. Never have such a good time in ages. The previous time that i met them, i was at the start of my romance. Now that i met them is the end of my romance. Happy for Ms B that she found her Mr Right. And it been for one month. Hope they happy together forever. She is a very sweet and nice girl afterall, our xiao ding dang who alway have what we need back in JC.

The ice cream at cineleisure was fantastic. we, 7 people (met up with MY, WH and YM) ordered a choco fondue as well as 8 scoop of exotic ice cream. the ambievance at night was very nice with the big lamp above our head and glass wall behind our back, overlooking california fitness with nice trance music. We are laughing like mad just like we used to do in college. Eveyone has their own life now, with their own goal. So many thing has changed but our friendship is same as ever. Didn't take any pic as my hp batt is low.

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On the way to work. Hate wearing heels while walking on such pavement. The more rundown pavement along the way alway did damage on my pointed heels. Several time i got my shoes stuck in the whole and be barefoot in the next few milisecond. Some even have the base sole tore out!

That my shadow btw. Opt for flats and sloppy wear nowaday.

12 April 2005

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If only there's any chance...

Now totally engrossed with this mtv

11 April 2005

Lol. Someone wooing me over msn with kisses. Haha...spirit lighten up for a moment

i have an entire office to myself today since my supervisor sharing the room was on leave. Of course, this is when i enjoy the luxury of have a huge personal space. Chitchatting on company phone, reading health magazine, playing games on my handphone, taking off the shoes off my feets and swinging, basically enjoying life of "snaker eater" until a call at 6pm when my boss called to check on me(to see whether i left on the dot probably) and i was reminded of a task that is due by tml die die must finish. One thing is i have yet started on it. I was like OMG! but heck care, i still leave after the phone call. Absolutely no mood to stay on in the lonely room.

Have private space is not really a good thing. I thought of him again and again and drop several tears until one cute colleage of mine came in and use the computers there. I hope he didn't catch me crying. That's total embarassing!

After yesterday's conversation, i have sorta straighten up. I no longer have any energy or drive to bring back the love. Absolutely no reason for me to do that anymore. During my bath, i didn't even tear a single drop for him, which is the exit of the cycle ever since the break up. My heart sorta harden.

Ms C was right. If he has me in his heart, he wouldn't have let me go down on my knee to beg him back, not one time but several times. Maybe he was my first, that why he seems special to me and i couldn't bear to leave him.

My sis saw my msn's nick and she offer 50 buck for me to buy my blue blade( a promise he made as a birthday gift) How sweet of her. Comforting that still have ppl around me care for. However i turn down her offer. i really don't have much money to buy myself a blade now even with 50$ sponsorship.

For my 23rd birthday, i just wish i have a peaceful day, have a dinner treated by my sis ( i specify "fish and co" as designated place) and that's it. Another same as before's birthdays, maybe abit sadder. Hm...i also wan to have $1 ice-cream square sold by ice-cream mobile uncle along the orchards road. 10 more days to go...hai...older :(

Shrug...maybe all these drama is blessing in disguise...The hardest lesson i gained is to learn to let go. The past has been archived ^^

my daily schedule for now:

Mon : Jogging
Tues: Relax, play computer, jogging
Wed: hip hop
thurs: Relax
Fri: Jogging
Sat: Shopping
Sun: Gym

10 April 2005

I don't need his chance. I just wanna need him THINK!!! tmd dunno where his brains is stored. Maybe in his ass.

9 April 2005

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A dead butterfly i found lying on the floor admist the buzz around the family day event at Lorong Ah Soo. For the first time that i able to see one in close sight apart from the dead specimens in the school labs.

8 April 2005

Funny

Funny chicken. What's so funny that keep me and my another colleage standing there in ntuc for 5min just to laugh at the chicken. Puzzled.

7 April 2005

i know when he initially go stead with me, he has the mentallity that i will not find his background too low for me. In fact till now, i never. I admire his character (but not all his traits) and almost adore him. Just that i was really angry that time, i decide to use public eye to spite on him purposely when i know i didn't mean it.

I know he not willing to come back to me readily as he still think that i will again find his faults here and there when i in bad mode. that why he say he first find a job then look for a girlfriend( ouch, this really hurts! ). "No money , no talk". Am i really that money minded. When my friends ask how is he going to be my hubby in future, i will tell them that i will wait for him and he will have a stable job and income. If i really look down on him, i would have left him long time ago. Thick head!!! Nevertheless, i will learn to shut my stupid mouth when i in foul mood and its actually in process. I think i really a very bad bad person to do that.

He want me to find a better guy but I refuse! cos i already got him...why look for others. He the unique guy that i wan!

i REALLY hope he can think through and have more faith in me. Since he say he needs time, i will give him time. Good thing deserve to be waited. But i sincerely hope that he will tell me if he no longer feel anything for me. Not that i dunwan to wait. Either way, it will still take time! i rather bleed internally then forcing him down the throat to accept me to make myself happy when he isn't.

One bad thing is he refuse to tell me his feeling, just said that he sick of relationship, and last sun he went mdm wong, he don't even have interest even though he saw some really nice looking ones. DUH....i told him i also tired of persisting and reviving, but i still will continue cos i know LOVE still exists between us!

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My LV wallet which i haven't yet to use. That idiot asked me to take a pic of it so he can use it as a background for his hp. Still he treated me like a stranger.

6 April 2005

My tears up till this date could have flooded the entire earth. I need an angel touch to heal the opened wound.

5 April 2005

Oh freaking sunny and rainy day but i'm oblivious to the weather changes. My new office doesn't have any windows, and it'm freaking cool like sitting duck inside a freezer but with more personal space.

Have alot of things to do now. Like printing leaflet for offering piano class in my neigbourhood, alot of new stuff to read for my work and things to think on how to occupied my time. So signing off now...


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Glad to know that he really hate me to core, he most probably don't have any problem forgetting me and he went for an interview this noon! That's one step further! Happy for him and hope he find a job that he likes.

Hm...Guess this period of time i have to walk by myself.

4 April 2005

Woke up 15min earlier this morning as boss wants everyone of us to be on the dot and he will be leading us as an example. Guess what? He still wasn't there when i reach the doorstep at 9.01am!

Despite sleeping so early yesterday night, i was still very legarthic. Even my colleague notice i'm yawning alot. I am simply a sleepy head. Yawn all the times no matter how long i sleep. Some pathways must have been blocked causing insufficient oxygen to reach my half-function brain.

Decided to take my chicken soul to occupied myself on board the train as i know i will jolly well dwell on that lost love again. Forced myself to read. Yet Couldn't help thinking why must end in that way, why is he acting like a jerk asking me to be his special friend giving him special treatment while he only treat me like a friend. You don't ask an opposite sex friend to massage, pluck hair, hugging, xxx, ....why can he get over our rs that fast, when did he actually start to be unsatisfied and unhappy with our relationship, am i really that bad in his mind etc... just then i blindly flick to a page when a handwritten leaflet is stuck in between pages. I pick up the note and read. It is to a guy who been thru some trumatic incident the day before the note is written and the nameless sender was trying to encourage him to look up and be brave, even no one understand, god will understands very well what he been thru and will help at the right times. It's very encouraging note, is it destined to be for me when i at my pit of my life? Somehow, My spirit boost even though i not christian! To keep the note or not, i dunno. The book's still here with me long overdue. i dun feel like returning the book even, it's a book picked by him at orchard library when i told him i wan to read chicken soup stories. He likes chicken soup too.

I think i have become more of a harasser. i called him once, sms twice when i thought of him. I know it's not right to do, but love force you to be illogical and sometime out of control. I know he's bad, he lies, he hit me not once but twice, he fool my feelings, he fool around with that bitch, but i just couldn't hate him to the extent that i want to block him outta my memory. I keep thinking of all these, the good and the bad especially when i'm alone. I couldn't ask my friends to accompany me everyday to try get over it, they have their life too.

Anyway, looking on the bright side, i have signed up for Amore classes. Pay a hefty 226$ for power packages. Yeah, finally have something to look forward to on weekend. Think i also wan to learn roller blading too. Broke now. but salary finally come in! Gonna take my dear sis to watch House of Fury tml evening.

3 April 2005

Maybe in the first place i should let go of clinging to him to understand myself and him better then our relationship will be liberating, free and full of room for growth

Love sometime makes rational people go irrational. But what done is done...

Hm...shivering with cold now even though the sun has come out after heavy rains. Most probably gonna get ill soon.

Now looking for way to pick up the pieces in my life. Joining Amore the first task!

Pope John Pual II dies today. So is my love.

Finally everything is over. Is a relief? I hope so. For both of us.

I now at least now why he is so reluctant to be together. He's involved with another girl who is mentioned in the 2 blogs below. Well i couldn't comment much about their status but definitely not BGR for past 2 weeks simply because i trust what he said. But they get pretty close like, telling each other what time reach home, what time sleep, "reach interchange le", "didn't play game liao" etc in the phone sms .

No wonder he refuses to tell me where and who he been with and refuse to let me see his hp all these while. And no wonder he is able to get past the days happily while i suffering and still have the cheek to ask me not to think so much! He a real damn liar, cheater and biggest jerk, never reformed ever.

After i mentioned her name, he get out of control and threaten me all sort if i dare to harass her (well all i could think is that either he trying to protect her as a friend or he afraid i let loose of the thing he done and it would jeopardize their growing relationship). Why would I harass? I'm not that kind of person. I hold on because I see hopes and pre-empt happiness. I don't harass jerks and jinxs. Bull and the cock tales.

Then he start scolding me that i took his chance for granted by peeking at his hp(his chance as special friend is bull and cock story. Just an excuse) and that mean it's end of us. I know they're not boy-girl-friend related but guess sorta relationship is growing. Well the truth doesn't matter at this point. I know it's all over. And i finally know he's the type of person whom i wouldn't want, not any other normal girls. I didn't cry when i left his house.

We have our last quiet meal (with his fav hotdog) footed by me in his room. I deposited the things including the angel, that he destroyed and threw at me, at some certain place. Couldn't bear to bring back to my town. Afterall, he has said that i inflict pain upon myself, not his fault.

So I'm on my own now. Deleted his msn and frienster. Going to quit guild if i ever step into MUonline. My resolution is to review what i have neglected all the six months and try to mend the broken hearts around me. I learn my lessons, many positives and some negative ones. Offer my gratitudes to my dear whom i shall call him here for the last time ever.

2 April 2005

Today is one fine day to sleep in. But I woke up early, unable to fall asleep and therefore, waited for rain to fall. Finally got up at 9am to prepare for piano class.

It might just be another saturday for me to rest from one whole week of work. However I was restless. I couldn't wait for Sunday to come. It could once and for all, blown or return of happiness. Still he treated me just like a friend. Of course, again and again i was very hurt.

I choose to stay at home the whole day after checking out my bank account after class. Very broke. Maybe next sat I could be walking on Orchard Street, sharing the generous amount of $1 ice-cream with him again. Chewing positive thought is what keep me from going insane today.

So all the time was spent chatting on msn with others as well as scanning my computer for virus. MSN 7.0 beta was way too cool. I could draw my message and nudge my online buddies if they don't reply!!!

Seeing me at home FINALLY on a saturday is considered something that deserved to be celebrated by my family. Afterall, for the entire six months, i spend my weekends with him mostly. Dad and mum decided to bring me to a famous stall at ang mo kio for its reknown chili crab for dinner. Usually my mouth watered at the thought of spicy food, but the humugous chili crab failed to interest so. It died unworthy. Poor thing. I guess they do noticed my unusual quietness. I just couldn't bring myself to jovial self, simple couldn't have the appetite. But i did try to put abit effort in conversation. Was quite touched when they left the biggest part of the poor crab for me. Love my family forever! (My 'forever' really means it)

There i go. Weepy again. Now i do know breakup could be very painful. It's definitely not for play play business. Whenever i feel the pain and hurt, all i want is just to slice the scissor blade across the wrist and die. It gets so suicidal. Fortunately, my EQ is high enough to tell me this is not the way to deal with it. Sis and friends, don't worry for me too much.

I just hate to know when time can heal me completely. God knows when.