14 May 2003

Wednesday, 14 May, 2003 0:08 AM
Can't think of any suitable heading...

Forgive me for not updating my blog regularly. These days, i'm either busy or being too lazy. Last sunday is the 7th day ever since the death of my Ah Gong, supposedly the day when my ah gong's spirit returned home for a final time according the taoism belief. One of my aunts said that she heard a loud 'boom' when she got up to the toilet in the middle of night. Similar mysterious situation occured during my Ah Ma's 7th day (who died in Feb).

Last saturday when we went to collect the bones at Mount Vernom, i saw a butterfly fluttering above my dad who was carrying the urn to the car. Strangely, i was there outside for a period of time and noticed no appearance of such moving entities. The place there was so quiet and 'motionless'. i kinda believe that the soul of my Ah Gong must have lie on that butterfly's body and then entered the car as my dad did. When the car drove off, the butterfly flew off to elsewhere.

Time really flies fast: two week before, his last words to me is to study hard and graduate with pride. He then still looked and sounded as if he can last a few couple of weeks, at least till May. (Previously, i heard my dad said that Ah Gong asked when i wouldl graduate and he wished to attend the ceremony. Sadly, his wish is never reached.) Still, he passed away peacefully on a monday morning after lapsing in subconscious state during the pervious night.

Looking back, i realise that i lose both my grandparents within a short time. It's a great blow to my dad and i have been quite emotionally unstable for the past few days. Too much for me to accept, i guess, the facts of life.

I have been thinking of Death, the evitable final phase of life. Coincidently, there is a topic on this in flowerpod forum. Someone asks, 'Do you fear Death?' I admit i do, very much. I attribute it to the fear of unknown. No one knows for sure whether there is an afterlife after death. What become of us after our last breath? From several sources as well as experiences, i gather we do not stop just there. We become soul who will continue 'living' in the netherworld. Erm scary isn't it. But come to think of it, soul does not possess the ability to fear since a soul can't think or reason like humans do. Einstein shared the viewpoint: There are still energy left in the brain, not known what it becomes, after one dies. Since energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So these unaccounted energy could be an answer to afterlife. Oh well, i could have better explained why i arrived at my opinionated belief but that would take hours of organising and typing. Nah, i'm too lazy. Afterall, i'm not buying you to believe me, right?

Wanting to know what I been up till this week? Accompanied my dad to meet clients at Zoo but somehow wondered off with my mum to see monkeys. Hee Hee. Saw Ah Meng. Whoo, she's really old, a great grandmother, isn't she? Despite slower movement and larger body mass, we can see that she is still a dowager in her family: They have to get up if they find themselves blocking Ah Meng's path. Will post up photos later.

6 May 2003

Tuesday, 6 May, 2003 0:16 AM
It's my last paper today! But yet another sad day.

Ah Gong just passed away Monday morning at 7 plus. It happened an hour before my marketing paper. However i only knew about it on bus 95 after the papers at 10 plus. My mum only caught the news after accompanying me to wait for taxi to goto school. It seemed prearranged that I'm not to be disturbed during my papers rush. It happened not only once. My grandma (Mother's side) died on the day after my O'Level A Maths paper which was also my last paper. My another grandma died when my March holiday kicked in this year. In the end, i only attended the funeral but fail to see them (alive) during those last few days. *Sigh*

Last Tuesday was the last time I saw Ah Gong. Dad drove me and my sis there straight after the cs2103 paper (Killer paper man!). That time, he was lying on the bed, looking very weak and was in incon. He had to use an air filter machine to breathe. The drifted relationship has rendered me speechless when my auntie coaxed me to talk with Ah Gong. (I just feel everything is in the wrong place.) She reminded me of the days when i used to mingle around in ABC market, how i used to nap at the squeezy stall where my grandparents make chao guotiao for a living. But all the while, i remained silent. I dun know how to converse in Hokkien. (can only do simple words) No thanks to the gov for their effort in the campaign duringl my growing up years. I really regretted it.

I'm too tired (mentally and physically) to write on. Let me stop here.