okok..me thinking too much....my guy is still there for me.

I dunno what the hell is he dragging on for so long. Sometime I feel like giving him back the 2 slaps for toying my feeling. But sometime i help him to reason that maybe he haven't heal from the hurts, or best, maybe he's planning some sweet surprise for me by saving money to buy a bonquet of tulips this sunday that why he ask me not to see him till then. But still there are many reasons to discredit such nice thoughts:-

1)Judging from the last time i saw him, it doesn't seem so. He waste money on cigarettes, going out every evening to meet dunno-who-the-big-fart, only come back home late midnight and refuse to hear my phone during this period. Worst still, he refuses to tell me whom he's meeting and scold me irritating and threaten to really dump me. Don't you think that such behaviour belong to the worst kind of man on earth? That time i went all the way from my workplace to his house(nearly fainted on the way) to give him one fluffly pen to remind him of the good times as well as the curry puff that he like, he called, not to say anything good, but threaten me harshly that if i did that again, he gonna sever our relationship. If he could say i use mood to treat him accordingly, i could say he wholly use his temper to treat me.

2)He's never a boyfriend that would throw much surprises. On the other hand, it's usually me who did that. Maybe my mum is right. I should have borned a boy instead.
Somemore on this matter, he might think it all my fault and most probably thought i should deserve such treatment.

But all in all, i still reason with myself that maybe he just needs time to cool down, forgive and sort thing out. I'm pinning on hope that he will be sensible and not harming me in order to retaliate. And meanwhile, i trying to be sensible and not let my wild thoughts influence my actions.

Hm...i do keep another secret blog too and here it contain really private thoughts. here an interesting excerpt from our first quarrel which i decide to let it be public:

-First Qaurrel-
me and him has a big fight yesterday over msn. I initiatied break up after crying on the cab while on the way home from tampinese. He met his ex-girlfriend the day before from midnight till morning and din give me much detail until i prompt. He just told me he meeting friend from china and i jokingly say china girl? He then say 'haha'. Only until later in the midnight then i know. I wasn't too glad but i keep to myself though i appear quite cold in the msg. He say one of his guy friend going also. Then later in the morning 5am, he then told me that guy went off early and he and she went to play pool with uncles. And he can tell me just now that he wasn't playing but watching them play. So that girl seem so important to him. Where do i stand?

I said he show no respect for me. Why would an attached guy went to meet a girl in a park (pasir ris) alone and chat for so long especially with an oil lamp. Romantic it sound. He willing to sacrifice his sleep just to talk with that girl and forgo his sat lesson? Would he still have some feeling for her. He say it was 1999 matter. And they have alot to talk about. Something like comparison between the past and present. He told me after me asking, that she was ktv hostess earning alot last time and now jobless. One thing, she lived in the same area as me and she can go to pasir ris to meet him. He told me she fun to play and he say he keeping pushing her head. That intimate isn't it. After all that quarrel, he still don't tell me much about her. And he only tell me she his ex on the bus from changi to tampinese. I start getting bu shuang on the bus. He ask me to see him on sunday. i told him to ask that girl to accompany him. And he say "say until like that'. Later on, we din touch on that topic again. I start getting angier in the cab. The more i think, the sadder i get. The thought of him getting so close to that girl make me fume. Hell know whether he still got feeling for her. Maybe they kiss for one last time?

I told him we two from different world. that kind of behavious is acceptable to his world of people but not to mine. And we have nothing much to talk. Plus i told him my mmum gonna kick me outta house if she knows. That why to break up as i don't see the future.

He seek my forgiveness. All the while we talking in the msn and mu. i don't wish to speak to him on the phone and pretend to say my mum is around. I ask him to do 4 things if he wan me back
1. no vulgarities
2. studying hard and don't be diao er lang dang.
3. No meeting of gals alone and waiting for me to prompt to know
4. No petting

He say he willing to do these if it can salvage our r/s. He say he serious in me and ask me not to leave him. he told me he stop playing mu until o'level is over. and wan to delete his char cos i left the guild. Later we talk on phone. And i forgive him thereafter when he say sorry and explained. but he keep saying that he got tell me b4 hand about the friday incident and seeing that i no objection that why he gone ahead. He say if i sound out early, he say he would not meet that girl. I told him to think in my shoes, what if i go meet a guy and don't tell him much about him. How would he feel? He say he know le and understand.

I wonder did he told her about me. Nothing did he say about that.
When everything back to normal, i ask him if he waiting for me to sleep then he sleep. he say no. He doing nothing. He say he going to lie down and clear his thought. and just a word of goodnight. later i sms him good nite and no reply. So now he act cold to me. Maybe he did do something unfaithful behind my back. I dunno ..

Don't feel like bringing up this subject. He the first one among my friends to see me angry. I realise how much i like him despite the inital beginning that i thought i don't like him. Jealousy. Hope he sense that and know that. i love him more now, that he willing to do those thing to bring me back to him. He clean my bag after getting splashed by that jelly syrup while at popeyes. He help me to buy hp cover and advise me on hp. He don't mind my stupid curfew. He come fetch me home almost everyday from tampines to tiong bahru then to toa payoh. He gave up smoking. And he was going to give me surprise by telling me he not studying at all. he collect all the movies ticket. One thing is he din give me any one month anniversay present. I give him an angel and that's me.

Off to gym.

------
So much difference between now and then. The tone of our previous quarrel is much much gentler and solvable. At that time, it's really evident that he like me alot. But now...what happen to the promises he make....

To cross or not to cross?

Holy shit. My ie couldn't access blogspot, causing me waiting to blog for the entire evening, thinking that maybe the website is down. Till i gave up and use firefox to try and realise its my ie's attitude problem. Duh! It's just jealous of firefox, my new browser. Anyway i still prefer to use IE.

Hey hey finally found someone who's into water sport! He's been to wake boarding and holy shit, it cost $250 ++ for speed boat and coach plus hour rate charge. It's an expensive sport. Think I could plan just one time for this sport. Jet skii is another alternative that i looking forward to. Expensive too but affordable for like once in 3 months. Rate is like $40-50/hr (@Batam).

Recently I found myself infatuated with Hoobastank. I have started listening to Perfect 10 few days back and happened to listen to this song closely at my lowest point of my life, with no one to talk to. I sat in the office crying to myself. My colleagues beside and behind me were touring with their girl/boyfriends in Thailand, so no one actually caught me bleeding tears. This song happens to be first on the top 100 charts on Perfect 10 too. Hm...the lyric at that point reflects what i wanna say to him. I initially thought of recording me singing this to him and burn it on a cd and put it at his doorstep. He should be grateful i didn't carry out this silly plan. My singing simply cannot make it. Hey isn't this sort of sweet things done by guys usually? Am i becoming more like a guy?

"The Reason"

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

~
Hm..the mtv doesn't seem to reflect the meaning of the lyric. Any linkage that i seem to overlook? I realise I have changed. I'm now more attuned to lyric than before. Is it because i have become more "soapy"?

Anyway it seems damage has been done, and didn't i detect the diminish in his love for me? Sometime i do feel i being cheated and make use of. (=> mean implies) If he need time to reconsider whether he wants to be with me => he's not sure he will like me as much as before or whether we have future => then why did he still get so close to me. => when i leave his house, it is as if i'm only his long distant friend and didn't he want to know what i been doing all these days => Does he still have feeling for me => NO OF COURSE => i feel i'm being cheated of my feeling! I'm being treated like a toss-doll. Use and throw! Damn hurts! I doubt he could answer this series properly. Should i just give up and quit at this point?

No matter what, I hope this sunday, he should make a right decision for us. Pointless to go on when you know you couldn't like him/her more anymore. Just like what my guy friend told me, "Easy to get into relationship, hard to maintain". How true it is!

I have 2 mini web projects on hand which i do not know whether to accept anot. It could boost my portfolio and earn some pocket money. I really need some money now. But I lack the time. Shall wait for the verdict this sunday and decide.

I met one old wise man and told him my sadness. He told me 'Since he doesn't treasure you, why bother?' Ever since then, I seem to have snapped out of my self-induced misery. Thanks to him, I have decided to get on with my life faster than expected and hope that one day I can give my love to a truly deserving one. The so-called fate dependency to be together again can be laughed as one big joke now. HAHA!


Here one song playing that describe my feeling now.

Since U Been Gone
by Kelly Clarkson

Here's the thing
We started out friends
It was cool, but it was all pretend
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
Dedicated, you took the time
Wasn't long till I called you mine
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
And all you'd ever hear me say
Is how I picture me with you
That's all you'd ever hear me say

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you, now I get what I want
Since you been gone

How can I put it, you put me on
I even fell for that stupid love song
Yeah, yeah, since you been gone
How come I'd never hear you say
I just wanna be with you
Guess you never felt that way

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
Since you been gone

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Since you been gone (since you been gone)
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get, I get what I want
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah yeah
Thanks to you (thanks to you)
Now I get (I get)
You should know (you should know) that I get
I get what I want

Since you been gone
Since you been gone
Since you been gone

Ooo....Legs sore from whole day *window* shopping. Had a lunch cum tea session with my Uni clique at Billy Bombers @ Century Square. Woah the burger is humagous but not that nice. The fabulous chocolate shake makes up for that.


Glad to know that they have been coping well in their work. Did some comparison between us. Guess my salary and career prospect not as good as them. Hm...Should I sign the extension contract this coming Monday? At the same time, I need money urgently as my situation now allow me to declare bankruptcy. In hot dilemma.



Later the day, I went off to Orchard to meet my best friend MY. She indeed is my best friend as she offers her companionship on this sad sat despite that she don't really want to buy any particular clothes and tired from working. Gee..Thanks pal!

We have delicious Galic Prawn Pasta for dinner at coffee club though the iced earl vanilla doesn't taste as nice as spectulate. Bought a top at Iora and a pillow at Heeren for office. Though I'm broke, I still can feel the urge to spend money. That's a bad habit that i just discovered. I do that whenever I'm down.

I choose White Flag to be played on my webby. That the closest song to how I felt now.

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I know I left too much mess and destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be
I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

After tonight if he doesn't call me as promise, I won't be getting his call anymore. A resolution to myself...

It's a scorching Good Friday and I thought I'm going nutzz in the early morning but I'm feeling much much better now. Opening up my mind helps. Life's too short to waste on angiush and sadness. I'm now looking forward to meeting my friends.

Meanwhile with nothing much on hand to do today (Well, I'm supposed to read on Struts but guess not to make myself suffer on a nice holiday), I decided to surf friendster, looked through my friends' profiles, gosh so much changes!

Being a narcisst still, I digged out my photos and start uploading my favs. Beat my sis's record of 9 photos, I posted 10 decieving one. Haha. I think it's kinda silly to publish so many photos for all to see but then it kinda make me chirpy for the whole day (it makes my profile look chirpy), why not then?

Signing off to paint my fingernails sweetie pink. Cheerio!

I'm making myself suffering. I never felt that horrible before. It start to have physical impact on me other than emotions. Blood drain out from my limbs and head. I feel giddy the whole day.

Several times I grabbed my handphone and each time i put it down without dialing. No courage. Maybe the feeling he has for me has evaporated, maybe he was having fun with his new freedom at his fav pub dancing with cute girls out there, maybe he's enjoying some smokes with his buddy while he's asking him to forget me and befriend some new girls. Imagination runs wild. But there is nothing i can do. He's no longer within my reach and to let me know his wheaabout.

I start to think the bad things he did to me, to ease my pain but to no avail. The better part of memory still stands in the way. Not even my best friend bother to cheer me up. After she's too used to us breaking up. She most probably think we're fooling her again.

How to survive like that for days, or weeks or months or even years. My resolution is to concentrate on my piano, jogging, saving $500 a month for a european tour next year and of course trying to come up with freelancing projects. Money's my piority now. Get myself preoccupied so I can think less about this six month traumatic relationship. Hark would thought i got something different for my birthday. Guess it would be just as normal as the previous.

No thanks. No boyfriend for me anymore.

Has a happy day shopping and dining with my little sis at Suntec. Realise there's alot of things that i miss at home for this half year. I been spending alot of time without her, unlike in the past. Time to unbalance the imbalance.

She has me lauging like hyena in Kenny Roger when she recalled the raining mud incident at UK Fun Fair sometime ago. How she feel like vomiting when her friends dare her to try out even more horrendus rides. Despite that, she's damn gunho woman and accepted the challenges. Best part of it is that her good friend get her retribution in the form of half digested creamy mushroom all over her face and clothes.

Before graduation


After graduation


I'm forever jinxed with Books.

It's a senseless entry about cats. Don't say i didn't warn you. Move on before you thought I have no life writing about this.

This pic was taken using my Nokia 6230. Resolution appears not bad right?

Just like every morning, I was walking to MRT to my workplace where i would pass by a bustling marketplace. There are many cats around, likewise for pigeons and crows, crowding around where the grannies feed them with leftovers. This cat in pic was odd one. It was lying lazily under the sun in the middle of a narrow field across a large lush field, not at least be bothered by the passerby, not even a oncoming bicycle which would crush its tail if missed by 5cm. I think the uncle on it deliberately did that to scare the cat.

Maybe because it was a beautiful day with nice blue sky decorated with streaks of orange sun ray, my mood is exceptionally good, I decided to whip up my camera phone and pose myself right infront of of that lazy cat, and guess what? The cat stood up and move .....

toward me, looking curiously at my handphone. And i ran. Thanks god, it only followed me for awhile before giving up. I was just too scared that i get scratched again while on the task of taking photo of wild cats. You never know when they strike.

But still I love them, only from a distance.

Enough of the senseless?